Charlie Chaplin

I subscribe to a page on Facebook called “Holy Sit” which is full of quotes and bits of Buddhist wisdom.  Today they posted this, and I wanted to share.

Holy Sit

As I Began To Love Myself By Charlie Chaplin

Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

omAs I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.flowPaper (4)

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!



It is ridiculous that I get Medicare, but it doesn’t cover much more than hospitalization.  I need a whole ‘nother policy to cover my doctor visits and medications.  Thank you GOP!!!suicide hotline

Anyone out there unraveled the Medicare site?  Talk about un-user-friendly (user-un-friendly?).  I have to pick out the rest of my coverage.  I list my numerous medications and it provides me with many choices for supplemental insurance.  But it won’t let me enroll.  Argh!  So I wait a few days.  I have to go through the same tiresome, tedious process.  This time I get different choices, but I am finally able to enroll in a plan.  I later discover the one I chose has almost NO specialists in the area where we will be moving.  Of course, I had picked the cheapest insurance, but I didn’t see anything else affordable.

So I did a little more digging and found a few other plans.  Plans that did not show up on the list provided by Medicare.  At least I didn’t see them, but as I said, the site is hardly easy to move around.  This time I figured I would call.  They called me back this morning and talked about their plan.  They will email MS logome the enrollment forms.  Now I will cancel the other plan.  This new plan sounds so much better.  But again, I can’t access the provider list unless I am enrolled!  That’s the First thing people want to know…whether their doctors are on the plan.  Still the lady on the phone looked up the area and specialists I will need and told me there were numerous choices, all in town.  She was also able to tell me my current doctors are not on the plan.  The only one I might’ve wanted to keep was my neurologist.  It would’ve been a drive to see her, but it already is.  But she’s not part of the plan.

I with my move I’d have to change anyway.  Still I think this is a better plan than the one I selected and enrolled in.  I hope it’s not going to be as difficult to cancel as it was to enroll.  It costs me more, but it’s not too bad.  And it’s loads better than the drug coverage I would get through Medicare, and costs me less.  Some of my medication co-pays would have been $75 – $90 per month!  Now they will be $15.  And when you take 6 drugs, that really adds up!

All in all I guess it will be ok.  There is going to be a lot of adjustments, new insurance, new rules, new doctors.  At least I’ll get the provider list before July, so  I can start calling doctors to see if they are accepting new patients or not.  My coverage starts July 1, so I’ll have some time to interview some and make an educated choice. happy

Somehow this is probably the most difficult move we have made.  So many things going on.  So many changes.  Son won’t be living with us any more.  All our doctors will be new, the city will be sort of new.  It’s where Husband grew up, so it’s not totally foreign.  Soon we will start packing and really selling the items we can.  Packing for two households.  Moving from one place to two.  Not going to be easy.  And I’m tapering off one of my meds.  Maybe I shouldn’t do that right now.  I’m doing ok so far, but with all the upcoming chaos, I’m a little concerned.  I see my shrink next week and we will work it out.

((Big sigh))  One thing at a time. :)

Being Angry

Having a little trouble with maintaining a calm Buddhist demeanor.  I just came home from shopping and no one was there to help me carry things in.  Turns out GS was at a friends, Son was walking the dogs and Husband was napping.  He was angry that I dropped something that woke him up.

Nap memeI’m having a hard time being sympathetic, as Husband sees no problem waking me at any time or day or night, and never apologizes.  Does it deliberately apparently.  Doesn’t care that he’s woken me.  Not even if I say something.

But he’s mad because my bringing in the groceries woke him up.

I should feel sympathetic.  We were woke up early this morning by a panicked Mom who was in the ER.  They had told her she may need another open heart surgery.  So Husband and Son ran down to see her at the hospital.  Turns out they weren’t doing surgery today.  Tomorrow they will do an angiogram and hopefully be able to help her out with a stent.

Anyway, when they came home today he was pretty worn out and immediately took a nap.  After about 2 hours I printed something.  The printer is in the bedroom.  It’s very quiet, but apparently even that noise woke him up, so he was already pissy when I left to do the shopping.  I didn’t know he was napping, and was a little pissed no one was around to carry in groceries.

Then I stopped myself and said, what difference does it make?  I am capable of carrying them from the car to the kitchen, and putting the groceries away.  No reason for assistance.  So why’d it bug me?  Because I always make sure I am ready and available to help with the groceries when Husband goes.

I am having trouble letting this go.

Problems Thinking

Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by our upcoming move, but I have almost no concentration.  I am managing to read a few blogs, but not as many as usual.  I’m discombobulated.  I’m not catching up with my fellow bloggers well.  And when I do read a blog, I have found that I have nothing to say.  No comment.  Even on some of the most controversial blogs I read, like Myatheistlife, Shaunynews, and The Pink Agendist.  Maybe I don’t feel the need to put in my two cents worth any more.   I still care about things, but it seems I no longer have an opinionated comment.  Maybe that’s not a bad thing.

ImageI think it’s part of my inability to read a book.  I don’t think I’ve finished reading a book in more than a year.  It’s part of why I am having so much trouble writing.  If you don’t read, writing is very hard, I’ve found.  Back when I could read two books at a time, and finish a 7-book series in 4 weeks, I was writing like a demon.  Publishing short stories, searching for new markets, researching novels which sit unfinished in a box in the closet.  What happened?

And I haven’t smoked in months, so you’d think my mind would be pretty clear.  It seems like I just have more and more blank space in my head.  Maybe I shouldn’t fight it.  Just sit back and make my jewelry (which is a pretty empty-headed task) til I run out of material.  Trust that my concentration may return, and be content if it does not.

Share Your World – Cee’s Photo Challenge

Here is my response to Cee’s challenge this week.



Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?  Of course.  We are presumptuous to believe otherwise.

What type of pet or pets do not want to have? I would not want to own horses.  Too much responsibility.  I figure the responsibility for dogs is enough for me.

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I think green since it’s sort of the color of growth when thought of in relation to plants.  Then by extension green would be the color of all growth.  If that’s the case, my world is green with growth!

What type of transportation would you be? Why?  I’d be feet. It’s the way to see the world.  From the ground up.


Bonus question: What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?   I am grateful for my pain medication, I am grateful that I have a home, under the sun, and stars, and clouds.   This week I plan to be grateful for my son’s returning sobriety.

Well, I’m Pretty Sure it’s Not Schizophrenia

Just simple alcoholism.

jackI confronted son about the bottles of alcohol and he totally had me believing he didn’t know he’d bought them.  Put on a great act about how angry he was with himself about losing his sobriety after 8 years.  He even made a show out of throwing the bottles in the trash.  I told him I was proud of him for tossing the bottles out.  Why I didn’t toss them myself and dump them out first I’ll never understand.

How could I have been so stupid not to see through these lies.  I guess I really wanted to believe he hadn’t taken up drinking again.  That somehow drug addiction wouldn’t be so bad.  But addiction is addiction no matter the substance.  And my son is an addict and will always be one.  I just hope to be able to say he’s a recovering addict.

Things went along relatively smoothly in the afternoon, and I believed he was sober.  Until a few hours later when he began to talk gibberish again.  I hoped he was still sobering up.

He woke us about midnight wanting to turn on our bedroom light because the dog was coughing.  He said he needed a bowl because he thought the dog was going to vomit.  I asked him why he wanted a bowl from our bedroom and he just repeated that he thought the dog was sick.  I asked him why he didn’t just put the dog outside, and that just seemed to confuse him.

A quiet confrontation began and I demanded his stash and started to go through his dresser right in front of him.  All he kept saying is “What the fuck?” Husband demanded he leave the house and after some back and forth, he finally got dressed and left.  We heard him drive off and then sat around waiting for him to come home or the cops to call.  Turns out he didn’t even make it very far from our house.  He came stumbling back saying his car had stopped just up the road.  Then he took a shower and after that ranted a bit more.  A short while later he made coffee.  (Spilling it all over the floor I noticed this morning.)  He was in and out of the house all night.  Getting dressed and undressed, slamming doors and muttering until he finally fell asleep on the living room couch.pills

That takes us to this morning when he wakes me up wanting to know where his dad put his car.  I told him he drove off in it and left it somewhere.  Then he said his dad sabotaged his car and (of all things) his Facebook page.  I can’t imagine what is going on with his car, I haven’t been out looking for it yet.  As for his FB page, I imagine he’d been posting all sorts of incoherent rants and got himself taken off by the powers that be.

I feel like shit today in many ways.  I’m running on about 5 hours sleep.  My ms pain is acting up big time and in new uncomfortable places.  One positive; I’ve been trying to taper off Abilify, and am surprised this hasn’t sent me scurrying for the medicine cabinet.  I have done pretty good at not beating myself up too much, but I can’t believe I still believe his lies.  I was always able to read a lie from a mile off–from anyone but my son, I guess.

Got to take the dogs for a walk and get some air, then probably go back to bed.  Hope my day improves.

Thank you all for your support during this latest crisis in what has become my life.

He’s asleep again and hopefully will only be hung over when he gets up.