About Paris

About this awful attack in Paris.  Horrible.  Horrible for these ISIS/ISIL people to decide to commit mass murder in the name of their god.   They need to be caught and punished.  We all know that.  But how is bombing the people of Syria going to do that?  Do the people of Syria want ISIS in charge?  I didn’t think that was the case.  If so, wouldn’t killing thousands of innocent people be just as wrong?  Or even more wrong, in my opinion.

I don’t understand that there are apparently rules to war.  Apparently it’s ok to wipe out one group to get at another.  It’s illegal to take out the head of a country.  Stupid, but there it is.  I know it really doesn’t apply to zealot groups like Al Queda and ISIL.  Their leader doesn’t count as the leader of a country.  Yet we sent in a specialized team after Osama Bin Laden.  They were successful.  Why can’t we simply eliminate these zealots?  Shouldn’t our vast system of intelligence be able to find these people?

Probably not.  The US is too busy spying on all the innocent people in the US, searching for people who do a google search for ‘pressure cooker’ or similarly [non] threatening items.

The Reagan Administration, with their Iran/Contra affair, helped put Al Queda in power.  According to the linked article, Iran is still funding Al Queda.  (http://www.algemeiner.com/2015/02/22/iran-hezbollah-reportedly-backing-al-qaeda-attacks-against-us-interests-in-the-middle-east/#)

During the long-running Iran-Iraq war, the US had defended Iraq, providing troops, weapons and training.  Only to bomb them years later.  (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iran%E2%80%93Iraq_War#U.S._involvement)

Bush I put on a show with a ‘bomb the hell out of ’em’ attitude, which everyone said was a ‘good start’ to the problem but he didn’t take it far enough. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulf_War#Run-up_to_the_war)

Bush II brought us to an illegal war that we’ve been fighting for 14 years!  After 14 years, isn’t it clear to anyone else that our current system of warfare is a waste of time, money, resources, and most of all, people.

And that’s just the last 30 years or so.  Haven’t we figured out this idea of bombing works, but not very well.

They say “well, we have to bomb the people of Syria because that’s where the bad guys are.” We’re the ‘good guys’, here to save the people of Syria– by bombing them?  Well, sure, if we kill everyone in Syria we may catch the people behind ISIS.  But our military loves to play with their million dollar jets, and tanks.   They want war, it’s what they do.  The military is by it’s very nature, a killing machine.  How does killing bring peace?  Shouldn’t we have a Peace Department instead of a War Department?

What about all the good guys?  All the collateral damage.  Bridges, roads, homes and farms destroyed.  What about the women, children, old men that are killed in these assaults?  I’m lead to believe there is no other way.  Don’t innocent lives of Syrians matter as much as the lives of the people killed in France?

If We are supposed to be the good guys, shouldn’t we be able to come up with a better way?  Ideally the elimination of organized religion would be my choice.  Of course, you can’t do that.  Deny someone their religion, and the wars just continue.

So, people will want their religion.  Some people obviously need their religion.  Yet, when religion goes wrong, like it does in Islam as well as Christianity, we just nod and say, well that’s the way it goes.  “Those” people aren’t as good as “my” people.  They are not as important as I am.

There are plenty of people think religions other than Christianity are wrong.  Do I have to mention the Jews here?  Sure, ISIS isn’t a bunch of innocent German Jews, they are vicious, horrible, immoral people.  Intent on doing what they believe is right.

This is and has been a war of religion.  As it has been since the beginning of religion.  The Christians have fought the Muslims for thousands of years.  There seems there is nothing to be done about it.  Can we intercede, take these deluded individuals out of the equation?  Why should 1000s of people die?  We need good intelligence on where these people are, how they operate.  Obviously, our intelligence is pretty lousy.  Too many hands in the pot, diluting our resources, taking the long way out.

There is no end to war, because so much of it is caused by a few deluded  religious zealots have decided the rest of the world is wrong, and that it is up to them to change their world more to their liking.

I don’t mean to disparage people’s religions. Certainly, religion in and of itself is a good thing.  Brings people comfort to believe there is a power bigger than they.  Gives people a sense of security.  Churches and synagogues are gathering places for people of like mind.  A community.  I understand that, but the facts are there folks.  Just open up your mind and look.

Instead of killing innocent people, isn’t there some way to target only the terrorists.  Individually, if necessary.  We have highly trained snipers.  Once one of the terrorists is identified, I should think it wouldn’t be difficult to dismantle ISIS by simply eliminating those responsible?  What if we don’t get them all?  We won’t.

There will always be religions.  Therefore there will always be zealots, there will always be war.  Unless people want to change.  Sadly, it is very apparent that most people would not like to change.

We’re all grown ups, we all have the ability to speak.  Is there no way to speak to zealots?  A way to stop them before they start killing?  I truly believe there is something, some way.  I just don’t know what it is.  To me it’s a simple matter, but it has been pointed out to me many times that it isn’t simple.  I still think governments create chaos and confusion because they still operate with a First Century idea about winning a war.  We need 21st Century thinking.





suicide hotline

Random Rants

I’m convinced the Tecfidera I started taking for my MS six months ago was causing these sudden weird mood swings.  They are like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.  It happened so fast, Jeckel and Hyde-like, from talking pleasantly and something went off in my head.  I became angry with Husband.  He could see coming, a small (relatively) meltdown.  By the time we got home we were arguing–sort of. When we got home I went in and took a long shower and a long hard cry while Husband ignored me.  I went from pleasant day to suicidal in under an hour!  That cannot be normal, but I cannot find anywhere on the internet anyone mentioning almost anything about this kind of side effect.  I saw one question on a community board but no one had responded to it.  I know when I tell the doc that I stopped taking it and why she’ll come up with an excuse that it can’t be the med.  Or will she be reasonable and listen to me.  Rare or not, while I’m not really done testing my theory, but the last time I took a pill was Thursday, I’ve been feeling better every day since, I feel more normal and balanced.  Cheerful even.

I got frightened a previous time it happened and quickly went to my shrink.  He has seen me for about 6 months now.  I’ve always come in smiling and doing fine.  In fact last time we met we talked about lowering my dosage,  This time, I come in upset and crying and he just looks at me.  Nothing to say except to recommend counseling. Then he says, “I will refill your prescriptions.” and jotted something in my chart.  Clearly he is not the doctor I need.  I was so spoiled by my last doctor.  He was young and sweet and caring and actually talked to me.  He spent sometimes 30 minutes with me on a bad day.  This new guy, I’m in and out in less than 10 minutes.  He’s made his $500 an hour in ten minutes.  Imagine how many patients he can see in a day.  Cynical?  Yes.  But very true. Counting this one, I’ve seen four docs like this.   Perhaps it’s because II chose one of the least expensive health insurance options, I get the least “good” doctors?

happyBut it is what it is.  I know.  People hate the phrase.  I don’t.  I find it very much an Easter philosophy.  Like something Confucius might have sad.  I heard it first from my boss at the time.  IT was when my marriage was crumbling.  It really resonated, and I adopted it.  I don’t say it constantly, so.don’t hate me.

I posted the other day about diet and trying to change mine.  I’m addicted.  There.  I said it.  In some literature my Husband’s liver doctor gave us, studies have shown that sugar is more addictive than heroin.  I believe it.  I have been working on staying away from sugar.  But we had an apple pie last night.  Of course I had a piece (two actually, I didn’t eat much dinner).  And, of course, last night was halloween, so we have mini chocolate bars left.  I’m absolutely spineless when things like that are around.  I love to get the last piece, too.  What’s that about?

For those of you who read this far, I add the following photos.  A tiny mystery.  I have this plant growing in the yard.  It’s basically a weed, I guess.  I’ve been trying to identify it all day online.  I’ve seen a couple photos online, but not information about it.  My dogs love to eat it.  More than grass.  They haven’t gotten sick yet, so I know it’s not poisonous.  Plus I think animals are instinctive about that.and know which plants are safe to eat.  Husband says I’m wrong and shouldn’t let them eat the stuff.  So if anybody can tell me what this is and that it’s safe for animals, I’d appreciate it.


The seeds.


Growing bud. They open up more as the stem grows.

DSC03506When I told my shrink I regularly take 2 hour naps.  Pretty much daily.  He said a nap was 15 minutes.  Since I was a teen, if I took a nap, it was always more than an hour (barring sickness).  I’m trying to take fewer naps, can’t seem to take shorter ones.  If Husband wakes me after an hour or less, I am groggy and sometimes it’s so bad I have to go back to bed.

Hope you are all having a marvelous weekend!  I send you thoughts of happiness, peace and contentment.  And now I’m going to do yoga instead of napping.   We’ll see how that goes, I doubled my pain and anti-spasm pills this moring, the pain was too bad.  I’m hoping going back to yoga will help.

I had the last (small) piece of pie for breakfast.  I figure, at least there’s fruit in it.  I’ve only had three mini candy bars (so far).

Feeling Negative

I’ve been feeling rather negative lately.  Perhaps I am depressed about my back, which causes me pain daily for the past 6 months.  Standing at the sink for the15 minutes to do the dishes and my back is screaming for me to lay flat, or at least sit down.  The doctors do not seem overly concerned.  The last appointments I had with all three of my docs I felt I was dismissed.  They all said, ‘see you in # months’.  Made it sound like an order.

My back is causing me not to do things, like walk, though I can last longer than standing still for some odd reason.

Beach yoga

Beach yoga

Some days I can walk an hour before it starts to ache.  But at night, doing the cooking and washing after, I’m in pain.  I keep trying to get to yoga and tai chi, but the timing just never seems to work out.  I’m thinking about making up a schedule and promising myself I will keep to it no matter what for the month of November.  I know that’s a lofty goal: Committing to improve my health.

I do have to.  Improve my health and that of my family.  We had all promised (many times, very many times) to eat better, treat our bodies like the temples they are.  Love our bodies as much as a spouse or child.  If we loved our bodies would we treat them better?  We seem unable, individually or as a group, to eat a more balanced diet.  We are addicted to sugar.  Most people are to some degree.  But today I ate an entire 1 lb bag of candy corn.  I had been angry at Husband when I bought it.  So instead of sharing this treat, I devoured it in secret throughout the day.  Yikes!  If that’s not a sign I need to change, I don’t know what is.  I’ve been doing things like that a lot lately.  Buying candy bars on the sly when off shopping by myself, then go out for an ice cream with Husband that night.

I’ve lost weight, mostly because I just don’t find anything very appealing about food lately.  I can go days without feeling hungry.  I want to keep the weight off, but by improving my diet.  Coincidentally, the liver doc told us sugar has been shown to be more addictive than heroin.  Scary right?  I’m a living example of a sugar junkie:  using excuses to justify eating a chocolate, lying to people about it, hiding my binging from family.


My nemesis

I must take better care of myself, but lately I just don’t care.  If I were a day, I’d be chilly, damp and overcast.  The sort of day that won’t necessarily stop you from doing the things you have to, but nasty enough not to do things outdoors that you might want to do.  Like picnic.

They say the first step to beating addiction is admitting you have a problem.  And I honestly do.  I seem unable to stop myself from eating nothing but what’s bad for me in every way.  And I so don’t want to give it up.  But I’m promising myself, and using this blog to hold myself to it, the month of November will be my test, but I will try not to put anything in my mouth that is not healthy for me starting now.  I tell myself, I would do these things if I had cancer, right?  That’s what you do when your life is threatened.  Start taking better care of yourself.  Why invite cancer into my life by sabotaging my own health?  Why wait for a fatal diagnosis?

Why is Life so Frustrating?

Why can’t things be simple?  Remember all the promises we heard about how great our lives were going to be once we were computerized?  Are you happy with computers?  God, I really hate them sometimes.  I love the access to so much information.  That’s wonderful and amazing (not to mention dangerous), but dealing with them on day-to-day activities…ugh.

DSC03101I’ve been trying to add some jewelry to my website for two days.  I took 80 photos of my pieces and transferred them from camera to computer.  Then I put them in a folder called “October”, disconnected my camera, and then when I went to load the photos onto my page I couldn’t find the folder.  I checked every folder in my Photo files, then all my document files.  Could not locate that folder.  Finally, I took the camera back out, laid out the jewelry and took another 75 photos.  Plugged the camera in and went to download my new photos, and there was my folder!  I finally added one item before moving on to other parts of my page I wanted to update.  I spent over an hour updating my page; adding more to the descriptions, changing up my bio.  When the site froze and I had to exit.  When I get back up, I find nothing was saved!  Shit!  So, next item: creating a collection.  Another hour.  Today I went to add more items, and discover I cannot find the tab on my page with my collection!

I’m beginning to think I need to try a different site.  I already tried Etsy, but the competition was fierce.  Of course, now the DSC09613competition on Artfire is just as bad, so maybe it’s time for a new site.  Sure, but then I need to set up a new page, and add the nearly 200 pieces of jewelry I’ve got.  A daunting task.  But I figure if I haven’t much to lose.  Maybe I’ll just open a second online shop.  Maybe I’ll just give it all away, but it would take a while.  I don’t know that many people.  Not even on Facebook, where I only have about 30 friends.  I’ve looked at a couple other sites, and looked at PC World’s article about the top 5 handmade online shops.  Their take on Etsy was because it was the oldest and biggest site to sell handmade items, while to me, the fact that they have 875,000 vendors, and over a million items.  My little shop gets lost in all that competition.  It’s like opening up my own little coffee house between a Starbucks and a Coffee Bean.  There is a new site, Shop Handmade.  It’s simple.  It’s free.  But of the numerous items I looked at none had more than 2 photos, and I don’t see anything about a limit in their policies.  Maybe that’s how they keep costs down?  More research is required.  I don’t want to get stuck with a site that only lets me put up two photos of each item.

HepCSo what am I doing?  I’m reading blogs and writing mine.  LOL  But it’s 8 o’clock and I got up at 6:30 this morning.  Giving me only 6 hours sleep.  (Sure I took a 2-hour nap, but I always take a nap.)  Regardless.  For me it is time to stop working and just relax and read.  Tomorrow I will pay bills, upload more photos, and maybe find time to work on my novel and a little bit on my genealogy.  That’s what I had scheduled, but I’m not sure about Husband.  He’s supposed to go to UCLA tomorrow for some kind of special liver ultrasound.  It was scheduled for today, but it seems the radiology office he made the appointment with doesn’t have this apparently special piece of equipment. That’s why I was up so early, we drove to Santa Monica, an hour and a half drive (using the carpool lane) for a doctor appointment.  We got there an hour early, and the place was empty, so we hoped he’d get in and out early.  That’s when they told us about the equipment error, and right there they made the appointment at the appropriate office, for tomorrow.  That means we have another 1 1/2 hour trip on the 405.  Which, if you didn’t know, according to Wikipedia:

I-405 is a heavily traveled thoroughfare by both commuters and by freight haulers along its entire length and is the busiest and most congested freeway in the United States.

I don’t know how accurate that is, but I’ve heard that it’s at least one of the top 5 most congested freeways in the US.  I commuted on it for 5 years, and it’s a bitch of a drive.  Yay.  I’ve got that to look forward to, unless Husband decides he doesn’t need me to come along.  Of course, if I go we can use the diamond lane and cut some time off the trip.  UCLA

The other plus, Husband doesn’t like to go to UCLA alone because Westwood is such a zoo 24 hours a day, and UCLA is a huge place.  It’s easy to get lost.  More than once I took the wrong exit out of the medical center parking lot and ended up headed in the wrong direction on a street I didn’t recognize.  So, unless Husband calls first thing in the morning to change the appointment.  it’s very likely I will spend a good share of my day tomorrow in the car.  And, because I know my way around better than Husband,   I look forward to being the navigator to his frustrated, frantic, and totally stressed out driver.  But I won’t drive, because as a passenger he’s worse!

Ah, life.  Ain’t it grand?

The Ex Is Pregnant

She just told Son last night she was pregnant.  His Ex. She shouldn’t.  She had bad morning sickness for three months, and then spent the last six on bed rest because it was discovered she had something wrong with her uterus.

Here’s the worst-case scenario Son believes will unfold (and I have no reason to doubt this possibility):

Loses her $12/hr job – because she doesn’t work for someone who needs to provide benefits like sick leave.

Loses apartment – Possible, but they currently rent the back house of Ex’s boyfriend’s mom.

Apply for food stamps, WIC and other assistance programs – Which now require more paperwork, and provide less money for the recipient.

Can no longer afford to keep Grandson living with her – She will send GS to move back in with us.

Obviously, not a good scenario, but as I note, that would be the worst-case.  Hope springs eternal, and maybe somehow things will work out.  However, Son feels he is now burdened with ‘fixing’ any psychological damage to GS.  He feels pressure to make a success of his business.  He’s distracted by his grandma’s precarious health.  He’s in pain, both physical and psychological.  He’s feeling the pressure of wanting to be on his own, but unable to afford it.  He’s barely started paying us rent, and since he’s still growing his business, most of his money goes right back in for supplies.  It’s a lot of work too, running his little business.  He answers questions on Facebook all day, fills orders, looks for deals on his supplies, and constantly has to battle other vendors for his slice of the little pie.  Other people will steal sales right out from under him.  His site could be shut down at any time by FB if someone decides to play dirty.  It’d only be a couple days, but that could mean $100s of lost sales.  I hate to even suggest he find something else to do.

I understand his pressure.  I don’t understand why he has taken his Ex’s pregnancy as a sign that his world will come to an end.  He knows we’ve always supported him (in every way), and always will.  I know we helped create his monsters, but he won’t let us help destroy them.  We’ve allowed him to get this dependent.  Now it’s time to change things.  Since I have good psych coverage, he will come with me to counseling.  He can complain about everything, and someone with the proper training will help him change his life.  I just hope it doesn’t take years!

I’ve started looking at apartments in Spain again.

Hodge Podge

Had a wonderful day today.  Sort of.   It started good.  We took a ride down to the Wedge again because the waves were supposed to be pretty big.  I’ve given up trying to photograph them.  Since I can’t see the screen.  I figured my odds of getting something good would be to just film the waves.  I made several films, not very good, of course.  I was going to try to splice them all together, but I realized that could take me a long time.  Still, I might give it a try.  Challenge myself a little bit.  If I come up with something good, I’ll put it on YouTube.  I did manage to get a couple interesting photos though:

DSC03196 DSC03195 DSC03190 DSC03189 DSC03126 DSC03121

The home where mom lives called today to suggest we get power of attorney and come in to see her tomorrow.  She’s been in the hospital for the past three days.  We went to see her Sunday, and things looked pretty bleak.  But she keeps coming back.  The last three episodes though seem to have really done her in.  She is still in the hospital and we’ll go see her again tomorrow.  Maybe we will have a chance to talk with her doctor.  The anxiety about Mom over the past two years has been very trying on Husband and Son.  Son especially is having a difficult time, even though he has been preparing to say good bye to her since he was 6 and called 911 after her first heart attack.  I don’t have the same emotional investment.  Mom is not an easy person to really get to know.  She’s just a kind person, with no opinions and very little curiosity.  I guess that’s why they depend on me to do the hard stuff.  I dread having to figure out what to do with all the oil interests she and her husband owned.  She get’s checks from various places all year round.  I think in a year her ‘profit’ is about $50.  I’ve no idea what to do with them.  I suppose I can sell her shares back to the oil companies?

Son just came in to tell us grandson just witnessed the brutal death of a dog in the street.  I won’t give details, but his mom said it was very graphic.  Grandson was on his way to baseball, but they were so upset, grandson was crying, so they turned around and  went back home.  Boy, how do you help a 12 year old with something like that?  Heartbreakingly sad.  I don’t know what to say to him.  I guess there’s not really much you can say.  Poor kid.  Poor dog!

She Sells Sea Shells

Well, it took me a little longer to get these done than I anticipated.  Seems like I’ve picked up the shakes when doing fine handwork.  Very tricky threading a needle when my fingers are shaking in opposite directions.  But I got three pair of earrings done before I quit for the day.  Not sure I really like the results.  I’d be interested in any opinions.

First set I did. I sort of like these.

First set I did. These I really like. All white and crisp.

Another view of set one.  These are very long, I haven't measured, but they're likely close to 3" long.

Another view of set one. These are very long, I haven’t measured, but they’re likely close to 3″ long.

This was my second attempt.

This was my second and third attempt. This was the intended result.

Another view of set two.

Another view of set two.

These were actually a mistake. Some beads fell off as I finished the first one, and had to make a second to match. They were originally to be my second set.

These were actually a mistake. Some beads fell off set two, and did not realize until I finished the first one. Rather than waste the materials by taking it apart, I decided to make a second to match. Then I went back and created a second earring for set two.

Another view of set three.  These seem a bit plain to me.

Another view of set three. These seem a bit plain to me.

I’ll probably put these up for sale in my online store, even though I don’t care for some of them, others might.  Right?

I have been on WordPress more regularly lately, and bringing out my jewelry making supplies and working with my hands has started to make me feel much better.  I’ll have to try doing more tomorrow, earlier in the day, maybe my fingers won’t tremble so bad.

Emotional Well-Being

I need a prescription for Xanax or Valium or some sort of anti-anxiety drug.  Not that my docs agree, of course.  My emotional stability is of no concern to them.  Only my physical being.  That pretty much includes my shrink.  It is so hard to find a psychiatrist.  It is a very personal decision, picking a doctor.  When your insurance doesn’t provide you with options, however, you are basically screwed.

DI buttonsSo my shrink is merely a drug pusher, merely refilling the ones I have and making sure I check in every three months.  I have seen at least three crappy psychiatrists, and one great one.  I’ve had four therapists.  Two were pretty good, one was downright a waste of my time, my last one was absolutely the best.  Guess that’s why I’m so picky.  I know what a good therapist can do, and I know that a poor therapist at a minimum will not help you, and a bad therapist can seriously hurt you.  Again, my insurance only provides one therapist to choose from.  I met with him once, and am pretty unsure about him.  Don’t know that I really need one.  Still after my breakdown last week, I’m not sure.mental health

So I am stumbling through this emotional minefield on my own, my poor family unable to help me.  Except husband has a script for Xanax and he demands I take them from time to time, like today.  I’ve been sort of snappish.  Actually, I’ve been snappish for the past couple months.  Moody, depressed, angry, anxious, and a bit pissy with my reactions.

Of course, the reason for my moodiness is one of so many things, it’s hard to know where the root problem is.  I suppose it’s menopause, but I’m not convinced it isn’t due to the change in one prescription, and the addition of two new ones.  I haven’t had time to check all of my meds for emotional side effects, but I’m working on it.

Meanwhile, just to keep the rest of the family from hiding from me, or vice versa, I’ll continue to self-medicate with Husband’s Xanax.  At least until something changes.  Which it might, since it is enrollment time with my insurance and medicare, so who knows what kinds of changes will be coming my way.  Trying very hard to be Buddhist about it.  Trying to just let things go.  I work on believing that everything happens as it should and nothing is permanent, not even the US.  om

I struggle trying to balance my love of Bernie Sanders and hope for his election, and even plan to go watch the upcoming Democratic debate.  Part of me feels this is so important.  So integral to what is wrong with the US government, and putting my hope in Bernie Sanders. Though the cynic in me believes no such thing.

tai2When my Buddhist side kicks in and I  wonder; will anything I do really make any difference in the greater scheme of things?  Even if by some miracle Bernie gets elected, do I really think he can face the Regressives in Congress and make any real changes?

I can feel a political rant coming on, but to what end?

Congress has been thwarting every Democratic move for each Democratic president we have had for the last 15 years. Will our next Democratic president, regardless of who they are, actually be strong enough to kick the Kochs and the rest of the corporations out of politics?  Will he/she ever be able make churches pay taxes?  And what about the voting laws changing in the South East US, basically stopping people from being able to vote because they have no proper ID, and then close all the government offices that handle IDs in the area. The people in the south have been so manipulated and kept so uneducated, they have little chance of making any change on their own. Sort of leaves you wondering?  Just as in the Sixties we had to stage protests and strikes and sit-ins.  Peaceful resistance.  Am I using my Buddhist mindset just to stay uninvolved?  I suppose a lot of people would see that as a cop-out.

Today Was A Good Day

Feeling better!  Son and Husband talked.  Son and I talked.  I think Son understands a little more about how I am unable to handle the anger of other people.  Especially the explosive anger he shows.  I realized the reason is likely from my dad, who had a very bad temper when I was young.  I won’t give a lot of details, but he made all us kids watch as he beat my brother with a belt.  I was no more than six and I remember being really terrified.

DSC02716We were going to go whale watching, but didn’t make a reservation, and they were full up for the next four days!  So instead we drove down to the Wedge (http://www.visitnewportbeach.com/beaches-and-parks/the-wedge/).  I’ve only seen it once before, but from the highway.  This time we walked on the beach and watched the surf and the surfers for about 2 hours.  Quite impressive and the waves were not very big, though a couple looked pretty close to 10ft.DSC02699

I shot nearly 300 pictures.  I saved 30 of the best ones.  Of those, maybe 10 are actually pretty good.  PURE CHANCE!  My camera skills are still pretty poor, and I cannot see anything in either the viewfinder, or the little screen on the back of the camera. Not in high sun, glare off the ocean and the white sand.  Impossible to see.  So I figure actually getting about 10 decent shots–without knowing what was in the frame–as pretty decent day of photography, but there was certainly no skill involved in these.

The coolest thing was finding lots of shells with holes in them!  Naturally made holes and all the same type of shell.  I have enough to make about 12 pair of earrings, and maybe a pendant or two.  I’ll be working on these tomorrow and hope to post my results.

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.                                                                 –Irish Blessing

Worse Today

I can’t stop crying.  Son is having fits lately on a daily basis.  His anger is so disturbing to me, I can’t even be around him.  I am suddenly so miserable and sad.  I see no end to Son’s suffering, and therefore, my own.

InsuranceHe’s been uninsured for 5 years now and his depression and other health issues have only gotten worse.  His anger simmers just below the surface and it takes almost nothing to send him into a rage; though rage is a bit too strong a word.  I’m afraid to talk to him, because he only gets angry and defensive.  When I try to talk to him when he’s feeling good, it makes him angry and upset.  If I try to talk to him when he’s angry, well, it’s not a good idea.

This dance is wearing me down again.  I don’t know why but my depression is suddenly flared up.  Is it caused by the Tecfidera?  It seems I was dealing well with all this and not letting it affect me, until the past three months–since I started the Tecfidera.

Son has an appointment with a new doctor, but he just came home.  I cannot believe the way he has been jerked around.  Before ObamaCare, there was no way he could afford insurance.  Then when he applied for Obamacare he was denied coverage because he had no income and therefore determined he should be covered by Medi-Cal or Medicare.  Not that they helped him to follow up on that.  So we then applied for both.  That was two years ago.  He finally got coverage effective Sept. 1 this year!  He’s seen two doctors and been to the ER once already this month.  At least the ER doctor was convinced he wasn’t just seeking drugs but did indeed have a serious issue with his back, very likely he has some bulging disc or worse.  He actually examined Son.  The first time anyone has actually examined him physically.  That doctor recommended he see his GP and get scheduled for an MRI.  Unfortunately, Medi-Cal is unpredictable, and he was told when he went in for his appointment this morning (which he made yesterday) that they no longer accept Medi-Cal.  Apparently, that doctor he had an appointment with left that office.  (No one mentioned that when the appointment was made.)  He can see the doc, but not until December!ER

Just what the hell are we supposed to do here?  The ER people have him pegged as a drug seeker, and there doesn’t seem to be a doctor who cares.  I am beside myself in anger and disgust at the way he has been (mis)treated.  How can he get pain relief when no one will properly examine him to determine the problem.  He doesn’t want drugs, he wants pain relief.  He doesn’t want medication, but he needs something for anxiety and depression.  Again, though he can’t find a doctor to treat him like a human being.

God I so hate insurance companies.  It’s not the doctors, it’s the fucking insurance companies who bounce people around and jerk them about, and lie, and delay and create more problems for people who are already ill.  I fucking HATE insurance companies!  They don’t see people at all, only profits…at the expense of people’s health and well being.

DI buttonsI can no longer live this way, I can’t help him.  I can’t ease his pain, and I can’t live with the frustration and anger, yet I can’t abandon my son.  I’ve an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon.  He’s probably going to increase my meds, or maybe I should ask him for Xanax or something.  Today however, I plan to stay in bed and cry and hopefully sleep the day away.  I may try to do some journaling as well.  Later, after I nap.