It’s a Total Re-Write!

But it will totally be worth it. weird people I started working on my novel after everyone had gone to bed.  I spent three hours on it last night and have completely changed the book.  I have three plot lines running and have decided that (for now anyway) I will omit them in this draft.  I’ve also made other changes and am starting to get excited about it again, but (heavy sigh) this will be my second complete re-write.  My first draft got lost in a move so I re-wrote it into this pitiful version.  Now to do it again, but without the sub-plots it should go very quickly.  I’m also thinking of reworking those stories so they can stand alone.  Now I have three (relatively short) novels in the works!  One of them might even be good!

Right now, I’m going to catch up on reading blogs.  I’ll get back to work on my book tonight.

Mini Update

So far I haven’t done much with my book, these last couple days have been hectic and busy.  I’m finding excuses to do other things.  Thought I shook that.  Dammit!  What happened to my passion?  My drive?

Ok, getting off my ass, and actually writing.

Took Long Enough!

I just finished reading a very good book.  The author’s breakthrough novel.  I usually don’t read those.  Jealousy.  Pure and simple.  I am jealous of their success and wish to myself I would unstick myself and really pursue writing like I wanted it. Angry, and disappointed in myself.  It dawned on me just now…Why I don’t pick up my novel and finish it.  I’m afraid it’ll be crap as I read it.  It is mid-edit currently.  All my notes are there, I just need to type them into the story.  It’s very nearly finished, except for typing up this edit, and probably two more.  But that will be easy.  The edits I have sitting there are tough ones, and I’m afraid when I pick up the manuscript and start working I will realize how bad it truly is.

Ridiculous!  Why in the world should I be afraid it’s no good.  Of course it’s good!  I’m a pretty fair wordsmith.  I think the story is interesting.  I may need to round out my characters, but I think that will come in the final edits.

So short and sweet of it is, I just grabbed the manuscript and started to read.

It’s not too bad.  Some of it might be a little flat maybe, but there’s an interesting story to tell. I’ll have to see what happens when I start working on it.  Gotta go, there’s lots of work and I might be getting excited.  More tomorrow…

I Don’t Want to Go

Tomorrow morning we are planning to go visit Mom at the assisted living home.  Husband’s niece and her daughter will also be there.  I don’t know any other way to say it, but I don’t like Niece.  I’m probably being ridiculous and silly, but 15 years ago she did and said some things that really bothered me.  Insulting and angering things.  It’s not like I can’t forgive and move on; I hold no grudge.  But these things told me something of her character, which I found unappealing.  religionSo, in s nutshell, I don’t want to visit Mom, because I don’t want to spend time with Niece.  We don’t see her often, but the last time we did, I didn’t exactly have the best time.

Am I being silly?  Am I holding a grudge, but calling it a character flaw?  I’ve tried a Buddhist approach, and tried to let it go.  You know, who am I to say the way she behaved was wrong of her.  She obviously did and said things she felt were necessary or true at the time.  Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse for just not liking her.

I’m thinking of invoking a migraine in order to get out of going tomorrow.  I’ve had a migraine all day, so it is possible I will still have it in the morning, but if I don’t I may still say I do.  How childish am I?

Thankful

It was a beautiful day today.

Me, happy.  1979.

Me, happy. 1979.

I got up, walked the dogs with Son as we always do.  We all had breakfast together.  I was exhausted and went to lay down for 1/2 hour or so, but Husband let me sleep.  So when I awoke I found it was 1:30 in the afternoon.  It felt like I wasted a lot of time, but I made up for it.  Husband and I spent most of the afternoon in the yard, listening to music, and watching the hummingbirds and butterflies.  It was wonderful!

Mom

Mom had a mild heart attack last night.  I don’t know exactly how you have a heart attack when you have an implanted defibrillator, but she did.  At least they didn’t take her to the hospital, so I guess it was pretty mild.  She’s going to see her cardiologist Monday.  We drove up to see her.  She always looks frail, frightened and tired when we arrive, but she perked up when I offered her Krispy Kreme donuts.  I know, you should not give someone so unhealthy such an unhealthy food, but really, at this point how much harm can it do?  And she devoured one whole glazed donut!

At least we got her to eat.  She only weighs about 85 lbs now and probably 5″ or 6″ shorter than I.  When I first met her 35 years ago, I could look her in the eye.  How can someone lose so much height??

She is an enigma.  She tells no one what she is thinking.  Questions are answered with a minimum of words.  And now that her memory is getting bad, I’m afraid her story will never be known.  Just as I knew nothing about her husband, or my own mother and dad, for that matter.  Isn’t this the stuff that should be handed down to the next generation?  The stories of lives, not just dates and names, and addresses.  I guess that’s the genealogist in me.  I know more about her family than she does, but I don’t know the people.  Her parents left Missouri during the Depression (Mom was born in ’29) and they drove the whole family to California where they were migrant farm workers until the end of the Depression.  What stories must’ve been lost!  Of course, Mom was very young and doesn’t remember much, and apparently her parents didn’t talk about it.  She’s the last of her family.  She’s outlived a daughter, two husbands, a dog, and all her siblings.  It’s hard not to be sad about it.

And So It Drags On

The Short Sale on the house just got put on hold.  My realtor is furious and blaming me for providing her with wrong information.  I was told everything was a go a few weeks ago, then someone from BofA called my realtor and said she couldn’t list the house.  Now the realtor has to pay a fine because she’s already listed the house on the MLS.

ForeclosurePlus we owe some $3000 in fees, dues, and fines or the HOA will take us to court.  I called the lawyer today and talked to a secretary who made it seem like it was no big deal.  We just complete a simple Stipulation–basically a payment agreement.  When I got to the guy to discuss the stipulation he explained if we can’t pay the $3000 all at once, they will take some $400 per month until the house is sold.  The HOA already has a lien on the house and will get their money when the house is sold.  I calmly explained to the lawyer I couldn’t afford more than $100 per month.  They said that wouldn’t suffice.  I said I was sorry, but we couldn’t afford more.  They said if I couldn’t make ‘acceptable’ payments the suit will go forward.  I said, it wouldn’t make a difference, we can’t afford to pay it.  They said the judge will then place a judgement against us.  Which from my understanding is usually double the actual requested amount.  Thus we would then owe more than $6000.  I laughed and said that paying that would just be more impossible for us.  So stupid!  If I can’t afford to pay you $500, how can I possibly pay you $6000.  I’ll have to call a lawyer for help and that won’t be cheap!mental healthHave you ever been so sorry for doing something?  Buying that house was such a big mistake!  But I didn’t know I’d have a breakdown and have to leave my job only two years later.  There is always so much more to a story, right?  The human story that financial institutions and lawyers are hard wired to ignore the human aspect of a situation.  They are acusatory in their tone, nu-apologetic at their approach with you.  As far as my bank and HOA can see I bought a house I couldn’t afford and I should be punished for becoming disabled. Today I feel like my life is taking a very negative turn and I am glad I have an appointment with a shrink next week.  I hope he can recommend a good therapist.

MS Reality Check

Last week the neurologist didn’t give me anything for this flare, since I was already improving when I saw her.  I’m about 80% normal right now.  I’m not taking 4 hour naps, and I’ve even been able to walk around a short block, and make a quick trip to the store.  It’s nice to be feeling better.

weedI didn’t find out much on paying for a new prescription.  I spoke with one of the helplines and my doc has to submit something to them, then they will see if I am eligible for any program.  If I don’t then I’ll investigate one of the other drug programs.

I’m trying hard not to be upset with myself for stopping my treatments.  I guess I had to prove it to myself that the drugs were really doing something, and that I really had MS and it could be just as bad as when I was first diagnosed.  It’s strange, but I felt like I really wasn’t sick at all, and felt sort of guilty somehow that others were so bad off when I felt fine.  Isn’t that ridiculous?  I felt guilty about not feeling bad.  What’s that mean?

So today they called to schedule my MRI.  That’s next Tuesday.  Actually, they will do three of them.  I’ll get there at 8:00 AM and won’t leave til about noon.  They said they didn’t usually do all three on one day because it’s so long, but since that’s how I’ve always done it, they agreed to do it in just one day.  I’d much prefer to get it all done in one visit.

Then on Wednesday I see the neuro again, and on Friday I see my new psychiatrist.  Finally, I’m getting a handle on my medical conditions since the move.  It only took me 9 months.  Kicking and dragging my feet at each turn.  I haven’t been seeing a therapist, but I decided I will also find a new one and see them for a few months at least.  Get myself back on track.  Then, maybe after I’m on the new drug I’ll be feeling good enough to go back to karate.

Drugs and Doctors

Saw the neurologist yesterday.  I like her, she’s tough, gave me a hard time about taking better care of myself, and less know-it-all than the other neuro I saw.  He made it seem like he thought my diagnosis was wrong, that maybe my previous doctor was a quack.  I guess I shouldn’t take that wrong.  After all, there are plenty of quacks out there and they don’t know me well enough to know whether I knew a quack if I saw one.  But Dr. L’s demeanor was candid, stern, and didn’t question my previous care as strongly.

Dr. L was also patient, informative, and took quite a lot of time with me, for which I am grateful.  She also told me things about my health that no one had previously revealed.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing.  She mentioned though that according to the report on my last MRI, which I had provided, I have some disease damage to my eyes.  Sort of shocking to hear that.  I’d read the report (not that I understood it) and didn’t know it said anything about my vision.  She said she will authorize some tests to look at possible progression.  She’s also ordering an MRI, some blood work and some nerve conductivity tests.  I go see her in two weeks, unless I don’t continue to improve as I have been since Wednesday.

We talked about why I stopped taking Copaxone (a daily injection), and how I am likely in relapse now because of that.  I told her that was sort of what my last neuro said about quitting Copaxone.  I told her I would try one of the new drugs if I relapsed, so looks like I’ll be adding another drug to my pharmacopeia.   I’ll have to consider the co-pay I’ll have in the decision.

I looked up my cost on these drugs.  It’s taken me 24 hours to process: Minimum $2000 per month.  Criminal.  Especially since I cannot get the pharmacy-offered discount since I am on Medicare.  The thing is Medicare doesn’t provide drug coverage any more.  I’m paying for that insurance out of pocket.  Maybe that means I’ll get the discount, but I’m thinking not.

Mini Rant: I thought a lot of the drug research was already subsidized by the government, and then they want to make a billion dollar profit off sick people!  There is now a cure for Hep C.  A real miracle cure.  The cost of 3 months treatment? $90,000!  That’s $1000 per pill!  Needless to say, millions of people with HepC are being turned down by their insurance companies (Husband among them).  The excuse?  Not sick enough.  My husband personally knows/knew 7 people who have/had this. Three are dead, and a fourth nearly died more than once trying to treat the disease.  It can turn nasty very quickly and once the liver is damaged, well it’s not like it’s self-healing.   Why are these people even bothering to develop new drugs?  Who is supposed to benefit?  Sick people or Big Pharma?  You’d think they’d make it a little more affordable, since frequent flares are really costly to treat.  Not to mention the damage flares inflict on a person’s CNS, leading to disability.  Can a corporation care about all the lives lost to untreated cancers or liver damage.

As for me, I’ll let the neuro know my decision and why when I see her in two weeks.  I don’t think I’ll be too badly off, but it could be the Copaxone was keeping my relapses down to zero.  The first two years after my diagnosis I had many courses of steroids and other treatment, for my symptoms.  It is what it is and I’ll hope for the best.  Who knows, maybe more research will show me some way to afford this.  The saddest part though, is I know there are so many people sick and unable to afford any therapy at all.  Like I said.  Criminal.