I Enjoy Being a Girl

You know that insipid song was written by men, right?

Poster for the Flower Drum Song

Poster for the Flower Drum Song

I’ve never enjoyed being female.  My life since puberty has been spent waiting in eager anticipation of menopause.  I have always suffered from PMS.  Even before PMS was a term, I had it.  The moodiness, crying jags, migraine and depression for up to three weeks of each month.  But generally, no cramps.  That was about the only PMS issue I didn’t suffer from. It just never seemed really fair to me that some women had PMS and others didn’t.  Girls used to tell me they were jealous because I rarely had cramps.  I’d take three or four days of cramps in exchange for all my emotional pain, but of course, that wasn’t an option.  To me it just seemed so easy to take a pill for cramps, when there was no relief for my symptoms.  No one was handing out Prozac at the OB-gyn in those years.

I have been in the throes of peri-menopause for 15 years, (That’s right, 15.) while friends of mine simply turned around one day and discovered they were menopausal; without hot flashes, night sweats, blinding migraines, mood swings, depression, PLUS thinning hair, memory problems, sinus problems, and crippling nausea, for a week at a time.  It’s that old saying, that if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.  Meanwhile, I just keep waiting for the symptoms to end.  Hoping each year will be the last year I have to suffer hormonal turmoil.

menopause sxThe end is near, I’m sure, because my symptoms have ratcheted up these past two years.  I’ve missed my period for up to five months at a time, my night sweats have me changing out of my soaking pajamas several times a month, and the morning-sickness-like nausea hits me for 10 days a month.  Of course the absence of menses isn’t necessarily the end of my ordeal, since symptoms can continue well past actual menopause.  So I have that to look forward to.

Still I am hopeful that by year’s end I will have finally reached the end of puberty and all the attendant joys of being female.

I can’t wait.  It will be like Chanukah, Christmas, and summer vacation all wrapped up in one big ribbon.  It will be nice to be able to eat again.

Absent

Took a trip to Monterey last week, got sick and now I have mostly recovered, but I am struggling to write.  Instead, here

are some of the photos I took.  Aren’t you glad you stopped by?

Sea lion.

Sea lion.

This was a rocky island with a large brick building, several outbuildings and a lighthouse.  You could only reach it during low tide.

This was a rocky island with a large brick building, several outbuildings and a lighthouse. You could only reach it during low tide.

Waves on the rocky coast.

Waves on the rocky coast.

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One of several bridges on Pacific Coast Hwy.

One of several bridges on Pacific Coast Hwy.

Ocean through the branches of a dead tree.

Ocean through the branches of a dead tree.

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An artsy shot through the cypres.s trees at the ocean below

An artsy shot through the cypress trees at the ocean below

Monterey Cypress trees along the famous 17-mile ride around the peninsula

Cypress trees along the famous 17-mile ride around the Monterey peninsula

A Question of Morality

I think too much about war and how stupid it is. It’s always the government, political leaders, religious zealots, mad men, who take us to war.  So much destruction on both sides.  Why do armies destroy everything, killing cattle, burning fields and houses, killing civilians?  Why is it farmers’ sons march off to war?  The civilians starve, the prisoners starve, the soldiers starve.  In the end millions have died.  And why?  Because President A wants the land Prime Minister B has, or King W burns the ships of King Z, because he felt King Z was a threat.

Why can’t we just go in and take out the crazy politicians who take us to war–and before you scream, “how do you know which ones are crazy”–they’ll be the ones dragging their country, deluded and disillusioned, into war over which church you should attend.  Why should so many people have to die in WWII just to de-rail Hitler?  Sure there were assassination attempts, but none succeeded.  They gave up.  All the Germans did. Give in to the Nazis or die. Not much of a choice.  And Japan?  We knew of their atrocities against the Chinese prior to WWII, and did nothing.

soldiersI believe we could put an end to war if we just put out the word that assassination was back on the board.  Elite special forces would be trained in all the latest in assassination products and protocol.  But the world would be in anarchy, you say.  But would it?  Would the world have been a better place without Stalin, or Hitler, or Putin, or  Kim Jong Un?  If it came to it and there was war in Korea, how many would die?  How many are dying now because of him?  What prevents us from creating a special international group of assassins.  Something people would have to volunteer for, and I’m guessing there are plenty of volunteers to be found.

I really don’t condone violence and I would easily settle for some sort of international group of kidnappers.  We’d kidnap the crazies.  By “we” I mean the sane part of the world.  Sort of a branch of the UN.  We could kidnap the loons, and put them on trial for the crimes they are committing.  What to do with them afterward I guess is up to this special group, or perhaps it could have an international vote.(Wikipedia)

Most of us can get along just fine.  Gay, straight.  Black, White, Brown, Red, Green or Blue with red stripes. Inked or not.  Muslim, Christian, Jew.  Most of us don’t care which church you chose to attend, as long as you don’t demand I join it, and I won’t discuss Atheism with you.  All anyone wants is to be treated with kindness and respect.  Treat me kindly and I will do the same.

If the world must be protected by armies from the lunatics in charge.  Let’s do it with the least amount of blood spilled.

Yoga and Other Stuff

This is the fourth time I’ve typed up this post.  It’s been lost three times.  Let’s hope this one takes.  I really don’t have the energy to do it again.

It only took one trip to the shrink and one chat with the counselor and I’m back on track (for the moment).  I’m writing again (I’ve been up late a couple nights).  I’m on WP more. I’m doing more.  Getting outside again.  I’m still looking for a tai chi class. How is it I have to force myself to just go take a walk, or play with the dog.  I always enjoy it so much when I do it, why would I prefer to stay in the house and play on Facebook?  A physical reality seems better to me than a virtual reality.  So I’m trying to participate more in the world.  I guess I’ll see the counselor again.

I joined a Meetup group doing yoga on the beach in the mornings.  The weather was great. The instructor was sort of the stereotyped yoga teacher, with feathers in her hair, and wearing a tiny bikini and a tarzan-style skirt.  She might’ve been 5’5″ and 100 pounds!  She used all the expected terms, and spoke in an airy voice.  I wondered if she spoke like this all the time.  beach yoga I’ve only made it to one session, and enjoyed it for the most part.  The instructor held the poses for a long time, and I really struggled.  She may have been a bit beyond my ability, but I made it through.  Then spent the next hour trying to get into my locked car.  So much for the relaxation aspect of yoga.  I planned to go today, but GS had a baseball game and we promised not to miss it.  Luckily, they are there every day at the same time.  I’ll go again tomorrow, and plan to go three times a week.  I might even get to know some of the other ‘yoginis’.

We had an impromptu barbeque last night and invited GS’s playmates over for S’mores.  There were 6 kids running around and four dogs (two are ours, the others belonged to our neighbor) and I get an idea of what my mother’s life might’ve looked like.  I can imagine the constant state of chaos and wonder that she didn’t go crazy at a much younger age.

One of Husband’s friends brought his beautiful 26 year old daughter and her kids along.  She has blonde dreads, and a rocking body.  She seemed to hit it off nicely with son.  Oh, I hope, I hope!  At least let them date!  Son needs to socialize, and she is getting through her divorce from her abusive husband across the country.  She has just moved back to California and is living with her dad.  Dad’s good with that for now, but I’m sure he hopes she will quickly get on her feet with a job, and friends, and her own apartment.  An apartment for a single mom making $10 (or even $15) an hour is going to be hard.  However, if two people shared an apartment, their money would go farther.sleepy pug

Well, my posts are very short lately, but I’m spending all my energy on my book and sleeping less.  It’s very hard to write with a house full of activity, and staying up after everyone else has gone to bed has been great for my creativity, but tough on my body.  I’m only getting 7 hours of sleep a night, and not getting my nap regularly.  I really loved my two hour nap I got this afternoon!  My sore muscles from yoga feel better and most of my pain is better.

It’s a Total Re-Write!

But it will totally be worth it. weird people I started working on my novel after everyone had gone to bed.  I spent three hours on it last night and have completely changed the book.  I have three plot lines running and have decided that (for now anyway) I will omit them in this draft.  I’ve also made other changes and am starting to get excited about it again, but (heavy sigh) this will be my second complete re-write.  My first draft got lost in a move so I re-wrote it into this pitiful version.  Now to do it again, but without the sub-plots it should go very quickly.  I’m also thinking of reworking those stories so they can stand alone.  Now I have three (relatively short) novels in the works!  One of them might even be good!

Right now, I’m going to catch up on reading blogs.  I’ll get back to work on my book tonight.

Mini Update

So far I haven’t done much with my book, these last couple days have been hectic and busy.  I’m finding excuses to do other things.  Thought I shook that.  Dammit!  What happened to my passion?  My drive?

Ok, getting off my ass, and actually writing.

Took Long Enough!

I just finished reading a very good book.  The author’s breakthrough novel.  I usually don’t read those.  Jealousy.  Pure and simple.  I am jealous of their success and wish to myself I would unstick myself and really pursue writing like I wanted it. Angry, and disappointed in myself.  It dawned on me just now…Why I don’t pick up my novel and finish it.  I’m afraid it’ll be crap as I read it.  It is mid-edit currently.  All my notes are there, I just need to type them into the story.  It’s very nearly finished, except for typing up this edit, and probably two more.  But that will be easy.  The edits I have sitting there are tough ones, and I’m afraid when I pick up the manuscript and start working I will realize how bad it truly is.

Ridiculous!  Why in the world should I be afraid it’s no good.  Of course it’s good!  I’m a pretty fair wordsmith.  I think the story is interesting.  I may need to round out my characters, but I think that will come in the final edits.

So short and sweet of it is, I just grabbed the manuscript and started to read.

It’s not too bad.  Some of it might be a little flat maybe, but there’s an interesting story to tell. I’ll have to see what happens when I start working on it.  Gotta go, there’s lots of work and I might be getting excited.  More tomorrow…

I Don’t Want to Go

Tomorrow morning we are planning to go visit Mom at the assisted living home.  Husband’s niece and her daughter will also be there.  I don’t know any other way to say it, but I don’t like Niece.  I’m probably being ridiculous and silly, but 15 years ago she did and said some things that really bothered me.  Insulting and angering things.  It’s not like I can’t forgive and move on; I hold no grudge.  But these things told me something of her character, which I found unappealing.  religionSo, in s nutshell, I don’t want to visit Mom, because I don’t want to spend time with Niece.  We don’t see her often, but the last time we did, I didn’t exactly have the best time.

Am I being silly?  Am I holding a grudge, but calling it a character flaw?  I’ve tried a Buddhist approach, and tried to let it go.  You know, who am I to say the way she behaved was wrong of her.  She obviously did and said things she felt were necessary or true at the time.  Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse for just not liking her.

I’m thinking of invoking a migraine in order to get out of going tomorrow.  I’ve had a migraine all day, so it is possible I will still have it in the morning, but if I don’t I may still say I do.  How childish am I?

Thankful

It was a beautiful day today.

Me, happy.  1979.

Me, happy. 1979.

I got up, walked the dogs with Son as we always do.  We all had breakfast together.  I was exhausted and went to lay down for 1/2 hour or so, but Husband let me sleep.  So when I awoke I found it was 1:30 in the afternoon.  It felt like I wasted a lot of time, but I made up for it.  Husband and I spent most of the afternoon in the yard, listening to music, and watching the hummingbirds and butterflies.  It was wonderful!

Mom

Mom had a mild heart attack last night.  I don’t know exactly how you have a heart attack when you have an implanted defibrillator, but she did.  At least they didn’t take her to the hospital, so I guess it was pretty mild.  She’s going to see her cardiologist Monday.  We drove up to see her.  She always looks frail, frightened and tired when we arrive, but she perked up when I offered her Krispy Kreme donuts.  I know, you should not give someone so unhealthy such an unhealthy food, but really, at this point how much harm can it do?  And she devoured one whole glazed donut!

At least we got her to eat.  She only weighs about 85 lbs now and probably 5″ or 6″ shorter than I.  When I first met her 35 years ago, I could look her in the eye.  How can someone lose so much height??

She is an enigma.  She tells no one what she is thinking.  Questions are answered with a minimum of words.  And now that her memory is getting bad, I’m afraid her story will never be known.  Just as I knew nothing about her husband, or my own mother and dad, for that matter.  Isn’t this the stuff that should be handed down to the next generation?  The stories of lives, not just dates and names, and addresses.  I guess that’s the genealogist in me.  I know more about her family than she does, but I don’t know the people.  Her parents left Missouri during the Depression (Mom was born in ’29) and they drove the whole family to California where they were migrant farm workers until the end of the Depression.  What stories must’ve been lost!  Of course, Mom was very young and doesn’t remember much, and apparently her parents didn’t talk about it.  She’s the last of her family.  She’s outlived a daughter, two husbands, a dog, and all her siblings.  It’s hard not to be sad about it.